Sports
The alternative award ceremony
Euro 2024 is over, and here at the English arm of 90min towers, we are trying our best to forget how it ended.
But we’re sure history will look back fondly at this summer’s tournament. Nothing helps the memory of football like the passing of time, after all.
With the Euros officially wrapped up, let’s review it in irreverent style.
Player of the tournament
Yamal won the official Young Player award / Soccrates Images/GettyImages
Right, we’ll begin with the correction of an official award.
Rodri was named the Player of the Tournament. But that’s boring. You’re not tuning into a game to watch Rodri play, are you?
In however many years, the world will remember Euro 2024 for Lamine Yamal. He was the standout, he was the story, he was the catalyst behind Spain’s new, dynamic and ultimately winning style.
The real Golden Boot
Oopsy / PATRICIA DE MELO MOREIRA/GettyImages
UEFA decreed there would not be a tiebreaker for the Golden Boot, and so there ended up being six joint-winners on three goals – Harry Kane, Dani Olmo, Jamal Musiala, Cody Gakpo, Georges Mikautadze and Ivan Schranz.
But the true winner of the award is that fabled man himself, ‘own goal’, who ended up scoring ten times. Bravo, sir.
Goal of the tournament
Yeah, fair enough / Shaun Botterill/GettyImages
Jude Bellingham. Overhead kick. In the 95th minute to save England.
That is all.
Game of the tournament
Arda Guler lived up to the hype / Eurasia Sport Images/GettyImages
Matchday one of the group stage in particular threw up some real corkers, and our pick of the bunch was Turkey’s enthralling 3-1 win against Georgia.
Mert Muldur sent Dortmund’s Signal Iduna Park crazy with a sublime volley to open the scoring, before debutants Georgia levelled through Georges Mikautadze.
Real Madrid starlet Arda Guler reached deep into his bag of tricks and pulled out a screamer to put Turkey back in front in the second half, and Kerem Akturkoglu iced the game in stoppage time, slotting into an empty net after goalkeeper Giorgi Mamardashvili went up for one last corner.
Save of the tournament
The hand of Gunok / JOHN MACDOUGALL/GettyImages
Turkey were involved in another thriller later in the tournament, facing an all-action Austria side who were fancied to make a deep run.
With seconds left to go in their last 16 tie, Turkey battened down the hatches to try and preserve their 2-1 lead, but their resistance appeared to be broken when Christoph Baumgartner popped up with a header at the back post.
Bouncing down went the ball, up again it went towards the far corner from whence it came. And there was the stretching arm of Mert Gunok to push it aside in Gordan Banks-esque fashion. On Turkey marched to the quarter-finals.
Surprise package of the tournament
Georgia, thanks for the memories / Visionhaus/GettyImages
Beating Portugal, giving eventual winners Spain a fright and all the thrills that preceded.
It was a true pleasure, Georgia.
Letdown of the tournament
Italy’s defence of the title lasted only four games / James Baylis – AMA/GettyImages
We’d be remiss to not give a dishonourable mention to Scotland, who fell flat on their face, arse over head, at the very first hurdle on their return to international competition in packed-out stadiums.
But the true disappointments of Euro 2024 were reigning champs Italy, who were eliminated at the last-16 stage by the most last-16-exit coded team in existence, Switzerland.
That’s basically a bye. And they blew it.
Funniest red card
Seems fine / Clive Mason/GettyImages
Oh, you weren’t getting off so easily, Scotland.
It was bad enough when the Tartan Army crapped their kilts and went 2-0 down early on against Germany in the tournament opener, but then Ryan Porteous was sent off for a reckless challenge on Ilkay Gundogan at the end of the half that ensured he would miss the rest of the tournament.
Masterful gambit, chaps.
Most deranged free-kick take
One goal in his last 60 free-kicks for Portugal now for Cristiano Ronaldo.
Leave the football before the football leaves you, a great man (Jamie Carragher) once said.
‘Streets Won’t Forget’ player award
We need to establish criteria for ‘Streets Won’t Forget’, here.
The recipient can’t actually be a world-beater or the like. That defeats the purpose of it – the world will already remember them.
Instead, they need to be below that superstar standard. Maybe even below an ordinary star. Maybe they’re just outright crap but are fun to watch.
We’re plumping for a player who comes somewhere in the middle of that – Georgia’s Georges Mikautadze.
‘Streets Won’t Forget’ team award
In a just and fair world, Georgia would win this category too. Unfortunately, the world is a cruel and awful place, therefore it’s morally easier to give the spotlight to someone else.
Austria, led by a rejuvenated Ralf Rangnick, lived up to their dark-horse billing and pressed other teams off the park. They were by no means lucky to reach the knockout stages and earned their spot atop the group of death.
Target man appreciation award
Target men are sexy again / Alexander Hassenstein/GettyImages
If you want to know what kind of striker Niclas Fullkrug, you can judge him blindly on his nickname – ‘Lucke’, which is German for ‘gap’, referring to his teeth.
Crash, bang, wallop. Germany’s exit may have been prevented had they turned to Fullkrug as a go-to option earlier.
‘The Last Dance’ award
If this was to be Luka Modric‘s last international tournament, then he at least signed off in style and with dignity.
For Croatia’s opening two group stage games, the midfielder looked every bit of his 38 years of age.
For roughly 50 seconds after missing a penalty against Italy, it looked like game over.
But he came roaring back with one last moment of magic, scoring within a minute of that skewed spot-kick. Croatia’s golden generation reverberated around him – which made it more fitting that Italy’s fatal equaliser came with him off the pitch.
The fake patriot award
What’s going on here then? / Marvin Ibo Guengoer – GES Sportfoto/GettyImages
Noted Spaniard Roberto Martinez is the manager of Portugal.
Noted Spaniard Roberto Martinez singing the Portugal national anthem? I don’t know, that’s a bit dodgy, mate.
Most one-sided rivalry award
Prior to France’s Euro 2024 final with Spain, Adrien Rabiot laid down the gauntlet to actual child Lamine Yamal, challenging him to “to show much more than he has until now.”
So in his final match as a 16-year-old, Yamal stuck one right in the top bin and knocked Les Bleus out. “Speak now!” Yamal roared into the camera post-match.
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