Taking care of yourself is one of the best things you can do for your health and happiness. And, I’m not just talking physically. I’m talking mentally, as well. Taking care of yourself is not selfish. You should not feel guilty about it. Indeed, you can’t take care of anybody else unless you have taken care of yourself. I see it all the time. You will burn out when you don’t take care of yourself. Why do so many of you put yourself last on the list to be taken care of? Is it an old mindset? There is no good reason to put yourself last.

Here are 10 signs you are not taking good care of yourself:

1. You’re easily frustrated in your relationships

You find yourself getting mad or snapping at others for no reason. You’re even surprised at how irritable you’ve become, and you worry the wrong people are taking the hit.

2. You’re more tired than energized throughout the day

You find yourself exhausted by noon.

3. You worry all the time, are on edge, and are easily agitated

You feel squeezed or compressed from all angles.

4. Your friends and loved ones are pulling away from you

You haven’t seen your friends in weeks and your family won’t return your calls.

5. You don’t feel creative and are lacking inspiration

You no longer want to try new things.

6. You don’t love doing the things you used to do

Everything bores you, and all you do is eat and sleep.

7. You are abandoning your desires and dreams

Instead, you put your partner’s (and everyone else’s) first.

8. You are not able to understand how your behavior affects yourself and others

People are scared to talk to you because of how much you lash out.

9. Your actions don’t line up with your desires and dreams

You don’t care about your goals and ambitions anymore.

10. You rely on caffeine, painkillers, or wine to get you through the day

If these 10 things sound familiar to you, then it’s time to recharge your batteries. Your body is like a car, it needs fuel to run. When a car runs out of fuel, it will stop and so will you. The better you treat yourself, the better you will feel. This will help when things are difficult. It also helps with your attitude.

Here are 5 ways to feel better:

1. Talk to family and friends

It helps to talk to others when you are feeling down or overwhelmed. If you’re ready, leap and meet with a counselor or life coach. They can help you clarify how you are feeling and what to do next.

2. Take a vacation or go on a retreat

This will help you feel calm. It will also satisfy your need for adventure. These days you don’t have to spend a lot of money. With a little research, you will find the perfect getaway. Remember, this is a vacation. Which means you are not checking your phone every 5 minutes. If possible, shut it off.

3. Purge and then rebuild

Clutter is not good for the mind. It’s also not good for the people around you. When you let go of the old, you make room for the new. I’m not just saying get rid of the physical stuff around you. Maybe, it’s time to let go of some toxic relationships or people in your life. You can also let go of bad memories and negative thought patterns, you hold on to. Surround yourself with things and people you love.

4. Socialize and connect with others

As human beings, we all desire to connect with others. Go to new events. Say “yes” to an invitation, when you would normally say “no.” It’s important to try new things. If you haven’t heard from your family or friends in a while. Take the initiative and invite them out. You could go out for dinner or go to a concert.

5. Be honest with yourself

Whose fault is it that you aren’t taking care of yourself? One of the beautiful things about being a human being is our ability to change course when we desire. If you aren’t feeling fulfilled, this is a great way to start living the life you have always wanted.

The story we’re sold about love usually doesn’t go past the exposition. The part people write about and talk about and make films about is the seeking, finding, losing and finding again.

We talk about heartbreak and loss, and how we grapple with ourselves and our partners, but we don’t talk about the mundane, the ordinary, the everyday lives we ultimately settle back into once the firework show has ended.

Because we’re conditioned to think that the chase and the thrill and the acquisition of love is love itself, we’re hooked on ideas more than we are open to connection.

We aren’t willing to do the work. Work isn’t romantic. Work isn’t fun.

Here are all the signs that you’re already in the right relationship. It’s just a matter of seeing it through.

1. You feel at peace.

In any other situation, this would put you at ease. But lately, it’s left you questioning whether or not that romantic spark still exists.

The truth is that the kind of love that lasts, the kind on which you build a respectful, intimate, real relationship, makes you feel at peace.

It’s more comfort than it is panic and thrill. There’s a difference between settling into comfort and settling for less than a love that makes you feel like your best, most grounded self.

2. You know how to resolve your old relationship patterns.

When you arrive at the point that you’re able to recognize a pattern emerging, you’re also at the point where you’re ready to let it go.

Often in the best relationships, these issues stand front-and-center. It’s never a matter of whether or not you experience them, but whether or not you resolve them.

3. You realize that nobody is responsible for your happiness but you.

When most people give up on love, it’s because they’ve reached the point at which the other person doesn’t make them happy.

The harsh reality is that nobody else can make you happy — not consistently, anyway. Regardless, that’s never something you should rely on.

Unhappy periods will come and go, but your bond has to be stronger.

The key to that is fueling your own gas tank; as anyone in a long-term relationship can tell you, it’s unrealistic attachment and expectation that sinks the ship faster than anything else.

4. You have an unprecedented level of acceptance for one another.

This is often an overlooked quality for a relationship, but it’s an important one.

The right relationship is the one in which you have a mutual acceptance and respect for one another.

In other words, you’re not trying to change each other. You don’t tease each other for the little things.

You see who the person is in their entirety, not just the parts you’d prefer.

5. You want the same things in the long-term.

There are so many crucial practicalities when it comes to choosing a life partner who’s suited for you, though none of them seem very romantic on the surface.

One of the most important is whether or not you want the same things in the big picture: kids or dogs or both? Suburbs or city?

If any one person has to compromise a fundamental part of the life they want to live for the sake of the relationship, it likely won’t work out.

6. You both want to make it work.

All relationships have issues. Making it through them is usually only a matter of whether or not both parties have a deep, innate desire to do so.

There’s a lot of work, compromise and sacrifice that goes into fostering a healthy, loving bond, and if you aren’t willing to give it all you have, you probably won’t make it through the trials that you will inevitably face.

There’s something to be said for living your life by the Golden Rule: Treating others in the way we want to be treated seems like a worthwhile endeavour.

But I did it wrong. Or took it too far. I’m not sure which.

Because I applied the Golden Rule to my romantic relationships.

I treated my partners the way I wanted to be treated. I didn’t just show respect in the way I wanted to be respected.

I didn’t just love in the way that I wanted to be loved. I did things for them that I wanted someone to do for me.

I tried to Golden Rule my way into the relationship I wanted. I was modeling the treatment I wanted to receive while never actually saying that’s what I was doing.

This likely doesn’t sound like the worst thing, but here’s the flaw: If we’re treating our partners in the way we want them to treat us, we’re setting up an expectation — and setting ourselves up for disappointment. To be fair, I never did this on purpose. I made this my relationship style by default. I’ve known what it’s like to be loved with conditions. I wanted to give love that was strong, undeniable, and unconditional. I was projecting the love I needed onto the partners I’d chosen.

It sounds ideal in a way, but I was making up for any lack in the relationship with extra effort.

I made romantic gestures for the partner who eschewed romance. I was extra-loving and supportive to the partner who had been slowly withdrawing both love and support. I was the fun-loving, exciting partner for the minimal effort man.

I brought what I needed to relationships, but I wasn’t getting my needs met. Most of the time, I was asking for the bare minimum and then making up the difference myself.

These days, the Golden Rule is out. Energy matching is in. While I still treat people in the way that I want to be treated, I don’t take this to mean that I should project what I want onto a relationship that’s unwilling to meet my needs. I’m not expending extra effort on low-effort individuals. Instead, I’m matching energy.

“If you want to find the secrets of the universe, think in terms of energy, frequency and vibration.” ~Nikola Tesla

I never thought of myself as a person who would chase a man, but that’s exactly what I was doing every time I turned up the charm, affection, and humor to keep one’s attention.

I spent so much time trying to make them like me that I rarely reflected on what I truly liked about them. Energy matching prevents this imbalance from occurring. I don’t roll up to dating ready and willing to entertain. I’m available to connect, but I don’t put in effort where it’s not reciprocated.

I was nearly today years old when I realized that I had tried to Golden Rule all my ex-partners into loving me the way I wanted to be loved. I’d never really thought about it before. It made me feel good to make them happy, and those little thoughtful gestures came naturally to me.

I began to realize that I wanted someone to care enough about me to make that kind of effort. I wanted to have a partner who showed love so consistently that I didn’t have to wonder if their feelings had changed. I had exhausted myself loving other people, and I had neglected myself in the process.

Every time I gave energy that wasn’t matched, I was depleting myself.

I was so concerned about meeting their needs that it didn’t occur to me to evaluate if they were even trying to meet mine.

I had grown up with a deficit that made these relationships feel familiar. I tried to be the perfect partner to make myself worthy to be loved and chosen. I didn’t realize my inherent worthiness. I was too busy trying to show them theirs.

I’m fortunate enough to know several healthy couples. That wasn’t always the case. Lately, I’m surrounded by them. I feel like the Universe is shoving proof in my face that this kind of dynamic exists.

These couples love each other and are committed to continuing to do so. They don’t always get along, but they do always come together to work things out. They aren’t perfect. Who is? But their bonds are healthy, happy, and fulfilling.

“I define connection as the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgment; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship.” ~Brené Brown

I know healthy relationships are out there, but we don’t get them by showing up for other people in the way we wish they would show up for us but don’t.

We get that by matching energy until we find someone who can meet us where we are. It’s not the easiest way to date.

It requires patience and a willingness to endure the loneliness as long as it takes to find a healthy connection. It’s a commitment to loving ourselves better than we ever have before.

Energy matching still feels strange to me. Healthy things do when we’re used to unhealthy dynamics. But it also feels right. I’m not trying to be the best conversationalist with people who give me one-word responses.

I’m not responsive to requests that I be more entertaining. I engage in conversations where there is an effort being made to connect. I disengage when the effort is not there.

“I don’t care how intelligent or attractive someone is, if he zaps your energy, he isn’t for you. True chemistry is more than intellectual compatibility. Beyond surfaces, you must be intuitively at ease.” ~Judith Orloff

Dating apps are the equivalent of online shopping. There will always be people who keep looking for a better deal, the next best thing, or the potential upgrade. They don’t want to commit when it seems like there is a veritable buffet of partners to choose from online.

They are the low-effort partners who have always gotten by with the barest of the bare minimum. Many of us have entertained their mediocrity. We have allowed the low-effort engagement and the monosyllabic responses by dignifying them with a response and renewed effort to achieve their interest.

What happens is that we end up in relationships that could never meet our needs. It was obvious from the start. The effort and engagement weren’t there. Maturity and commitment were lacking. But we proceeded anyway.

I woke up today and realized that the Golden Rule isn’t meant to be applied this way in relationships.

It’s out. I’m done with it. I need my energy matched. Messages should result in responses. Conversations should feel like conversing and not like answering questions about the workday or the weather endlessly while never getting to know each other at a deeper level.

I can be my most authentic self without having to contribute more effort to engage than I’m receiving in return.

If I’m honest, it’s a relief. I spent all those years of effort feeling exhausted. I was filling their cups. Who was filling mine? I acted as though their needs were a priority and mine were optional.

The hard truth is that it wasn’t even their fault. They did what they did. I didn’t have to entertain it. I can get as mad as I want that I partnered with some low-effort partners, but then I’m just mad at myself because I chose them.

I allowed those relationships to continue when it was obvious they couldn’t give me what I needed. I was the common denominator in every single failed relationship.

Now, I can relax.

I don’t feel any pressure to rush into the next relationship. I’m curious. I’m not taking other people’s behavior personally. I’m not ascribing poor intentions to every person I encounter. Instead, I just evaluate effort.

Someone who matches my energy can be compatible or incompatible with me. It’s a matter of getting to know them better to decide if a relationship should progress.

Someone who isn’t matching my energy is automatically incompatible with me even if we seem like an ideal match on paper.

It sounds simple because it is. That doesn’t mean it’s easy. There are reasons that people like me defaulted into being the ones to carry relationships.

Before I had trauma therapy, it was my go-to response when connecting with others. Now that I’ve addressed my trauma, I can see my inherent worthiness. I don’t just see it; I feel it.

I know that I am worthy of a healthy relationship, and I know I won’t find one as long as I’m applying the messed-up version of the Golden Rule instead of matching energy.

I still plan to treat people with kindness and respect. I’m going to be a lot more decisive going forward, but that doesn’t mean I’ll disregard other people’s feelings.

At the heart of it, I will always operate by trying not to harm other people, but I am equally committed to making sure that I’m not putting myself in harm’s way by engaging in connections where they can’t or won’t match my energy.